I’m sitting in my kitchen, five days before Christmas, trying to find the motivation to cross items off my to-do list. The truth is, I’ve been a little lukewarm about Christmas this year. I didn’t want to go overboard. I didn’t have a desire to fight the crowds and do a lot of shopping. I bought gift cards for Jackson’s teachers and therapists. I was the one who suggested John and I not exchange gifts. I didn’t even do an Advent reading plan. It’s the end of the year and I’m tired. The past few months have been super stressful and full of uncertainty. I’ve spent the past few weeks watching Hallmark Christmas movies and eating way too many Christmas cookies.
As we countdown to Christmas I have a few confessions to make…
I Don’t Really Want to See this Silly Elf Thing Through to the End
Jackson doesn’t care too much about Torah the Elf’s silly shenanigans. He’s actually been perched in our Christmas tree the past few days and Jackson hasn’t even noticed. He doesn’t go looking for him when he wakes up in the morning. So I’m having this internal debate with myself…do I plan a few more silly things or just call it quits? I feel all this pressure to see this new tradition through to the end, but in the back of mind I’m already wondering if it’s even a tradition we’ll continue next year.
I Haven’t Wrapped a Single Gift
The biggest reason there’s nothing under the tree -a certain five-year-old would have obsessed about opening the gifts. So I saved us all, and left everything hidden in the closet. I just have to find time to wrap stuff between now and Christmas Eve.
I’m Feeling Mixed Emotions about NOT Getting John a Gift
Part of me really wants to go buy a few things and stuff his stocking so he has a few surprises on Christmas morning. I really do love stockings! But an even bigger part of me has no desire to deal with the crowds and chaos, as people hustle to finish their last minute shopping. Will I go to Target or not? I have five days to figure it out.
I’m Not Sure What My Goals for 2017 Will Be
I’m wrestling with whether or not to pick One Word for 2017. I didn’t last year, but I’ve had several come to mind that I think would be good for me to focus on in the new year- but that’s sort of the problem – there are several words! I know I want to work on building my photography business and I know I want to write, but I also know I need to find contentment just being Jackson’s mom.
I Wish Things Weren’t So Freaking Hard
I love my kid, I really, really do. But like I said earlier, it’s been a difficult few months. The stress, anxiety and challenges we’ve faced with school have left me worn slick. Yesterday I sat in my car, waiting for school to end, with a knot in my stomach. Would it be a good day or a bad day? It was a good day until it was time to go home. Jackson got it in his head that he wanted to ride a school bus and was in full meltdown mode by the time the teachers got him out the door. The uncertainty of special needs parenting can leave you on edge. We’ve got big decisions to make regarding Jackson’s education. We have some big medical appointments coming up and we’re also starting a new therapy. You’d think I’d be used to this life by now; but I’m not. There are still days I pout and cry and shake my fist at how unfair it is.
I’ve Been Giving God the Silent Treatment
Some people tell God exactly what’s on their mind; they let Him have it and there’s no holding back. I’ve never been that person. When I feel like life’s unfair, when I’m on the verge of breaking, when I wonder if God cares, I hide. I don’t open my Bible. I don’t talk to Him. I become a selfish brat. I pout and feel sorry for myself. I do these things knowing it’s only making things worse. In my heart I know if I open my Bible or spend a few minutes praying I will feel better. I know God is waiting patiently for me to draw near to Him. It’s just that I’ve felt pretty stuck the past few months.
In my heart I know the true meaning of Christmas – I think a lot of people do – but that doesn’t mean the holidays are always jolly.
This morning as I was finished this post, I read heartbreaking news out of my hometown in Texas. Nobody knows what people are going through on any given day – especially during the holidays! Today, let’s extend grace. Today, let’s extend love. Today, let’s not be ashamed if we don’t feel jolly all the time.