Monday I found myself in a bad spot.
After a grueling few days in the motherhood department, I was sinking deeper to rock bottom.
I sat on the couch, tears streaming down my face with one of two options.
I could keep quiet about the struggle or I could be transparent.
I posted a not-so-flattering photo of myself on my personal Facebook page with these words:
The past week has been HARD.
I sat on the couch after school today feeling completely helpless.
I yelled at my husband on the phone.
I’m not proud of the thoughts that were going through my head.
My faith isn’t very big today.
I’ve been kicked, hit and bit.
I’ve yelled and I’ve cried.
I’ve questioned if I really have enough love and strength to give Jackson what he needs.
I feel completely and utterly alone.
I can count on one hand how many people actually understand; people I can lean on.
I am angry and I am sad.
That daily life has to be this damn hard.
Today I don’t have any fight left in me.
Today I sit and cry while Jackson sleeps.
Today I’m sharing this because there are so many special needs mamas out there who feel exactly the same as I do today.
Hopeless. Scared. Angry. Lonely and Sad.
So really, I’m not alone.
I’m one of many mamas who will pull their crap together after they’ve allowed themselves to fall apart.
Because we have no other choice.
We will weep behind closed doors, but wear our warrior face out in the open.
We will get on our knees and look our kids in the eye and whisper I’m sorry.
We will try to do better tomorrow.
We will keep fighting; because our kids are worth it.
Something freeing happened when I published that post.
I was no longer alone in my darkness.
I had told Satan to suck it.
Many people left comments. There were words of encouragement, mamas sharing similar situations they are facing and many people promising to pray. But most importantly, almost everyone expressed words of gratitude for my honesty.
Why are we so afraid to let people see our fears, failures and frustrations?
When we’re transparent about our struggles, Satan gets ticked off.
He wants us to stay in the dark, to feel defeated, to hide in shame.
But when we’re transparent, all those yucky things are brought to light, and guess what…
Darkness CANNOT overcome the light.
When we’re transparent, it’s like reaching out a hand to let someone else know they can be transparent, too!
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
Don’t be afraid to voice your fears.
Don’t be afraid to be raw and honest and real.
You never know who might be waiting for permission to do the exact same thing.