The other day as I filled out paperwork for another speech therapist, I was weary and worried.
The clinic Jackson had been attending didn’t have enough consistency. The long breaks between semesters and new therapists each session kept him from progressing like he needed to be.
My heart hurt and I longed to hear the words MaMa (something he can say but rarely does).
If I sit and dwell on Jackson’s speech delays I find myself tumbling down a tunnel of doubt.
Even when I know the truth.
God says, Jackson is fearfully and wonderfully made.
I went to Bible study later that day after wrestling with the doubt.
The speaker, Rebekah Lyons, read verses from Psalms that I knew by heart.
I opened my Bible to the familiar verses, but that night they leapt off the page and one in particular stood out like never before.
God’s word comforted my weary heart.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:4, 13-16)
Rebekah’s son was born with Down Syndrome and she shared about the moment when he was placed in her arms.
“I looked at his face and it was like he was asking me if I could love him for who he was – not what he could do,” she said. “Would I love him for him and not what he could accomplish because I thought it made me a good mother.”
In that moment she knew it wasn’t about her.
And it’s not about me either – what I’ve done right or what I’ve done wrong.
Rebekah said she spent the majority of her time praying for God to make her son whole.
“One day a friend pointed out that maybe God’s idea of whole was different from mine,” she said.
Her words were personal.
The tears stung my eyes.
I’ve spent so much time praying that Jackson will talk; that he won’t have to struggle.
But God already knows when the words will fall from his lips.
That night as I sat and wiped the tears away, I wondered if my prayers have been all wrong.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe Jackson will speak when the time is right – just like he finally walked at 15-months-old.
I also believe God can do a miracle and Jackson could start speaking sentences tomorrow.
But what if this challenge is about more than words spoken?
Is God reminding me that His love for me is not based on anything I do – but simply because of who I am?
When the doubts come, and they still do, I pray for His glory.
I pray that as I love my Little Man fiercely – just as he is – I’ll be reminded that God feels the same way about me.
And I hold on to the promise that God will fulfill his purpose for Jackson. (Psalm 138:8)