I’ve been angry at God.
Yesterday, in my counselors office, I sobbed uncontrollably over Jackson’s break up with PB&J.
I voiced my fears and frustrations and said things I’d never say outside those four walls.
She listened and then made a comment I haven’t stopped thinking about.
She said I’m always so transparent about motherhood. Sharing that it’s both hard and holy; messy, mundane and miraculous. I don’t hide the fact that it’s hard. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best mother to Jacskon.
She said an area of my life that doesn’t seem to be a struggle for me is my faith and dependence on God.
That’s when the tears flowed fast and hot.
I assure you my faith is messy and far from perfect.
I feel like maybe I’ve come across as a fraud – to my counselor and my readers.
When it’s quiet around here, it usually means there’s been silence between me and God.
There’s been a lot of silence lately – mostly on my end.
I’ve been giving God the silent treatment (I know, I know…it sounds so junior high!)
I haven’t opened my Bible.
I haven’t been to church.
Maybe a part of me has even stopped believing He really cares about the longings of my heart.
I’ve been selfish and prideful.
I’m a sinner; desperate for grace.
As I voiced my anger to my counselor, she gave me permission to be mad.
She didn’t make me feel guilty or ashamed.
She reminded me that God understands and knows my heart better than anyone else.
She gave me permission to dig deep and do the dirty work; to deal with this anger and trust that God can handle it.
The truth is I feel really alone during this season.
Special needs parenting is hard and isolating.
One thing leads to another and the next thing you know you’re loosing your shit over a sandwich.
You’re sobbing because you made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich daily for TWO years.
You’re trying to catch your breath because what in the world will your child eat now?
When you throw plates of food away it feels like you’ve failed him.
Your kid takes medication that causes constipation but you can’t change his diet to help with the problem because he only eats a handful of things – and most of them are dairy.
Please God, can something be easy!
I am shocked by my anger; ashamed.
Deep down – in the very core of my being – I know that God is good.
I know He’s in control.
I know He has a plan for me and my son.
These truths have been planted deep within my heart after years of walking in faith. Yes, they have taken root, but the heat of my anger and the salt of my tears have made them whither.
But here’s how I know my heart isn’t completely hardened.
I pushed play on a podcast yesterday and within minutes I was fighting back tears.
The Holy Spirit is good like that.
God has not given up on me.
The speaker talked about how Jesus had wooed her to the wilderness.
I wrote those words on the palm of my hand.
I’m in the wilderness (I’ve been here awhile).
But what if Jesus wooed me here for a reason.
To Be Continued…