Motherhood sometimes leaves me unraveled. Spinning out of control like my washing machine when it’s off balance.
There’s nothing pretty about it.
Two years of motherhood has exposed ugly places in my heart. I cringe at what I see – the selfishness and lack of patience.
I question God.
“Are you sure I’m the one you wanted for this gig?”
You don’t realize the extent of your sinfulnes until you become a parent.
Take last Wednesday for example. We had a great morning.
There were smiles and giggles. Hugs and kisses.
We had lunch at Chick fil A and he conquered the playground.
He fell asleep in the shopping cart as I quickly grabbed chocolate milk and yogurt.
He was still asleep when we got home. I laid him in his bed and spent a few minutes reading my Bible before deciding I wanted a nap, too.
He woke up screaming the moment I drifted off to sleep.
I stumbled into his room and picked him up.
I held him and tried to calm him. He wasn’t completely awake.
He screamed and kicked like a bag of angry snakes.
He was drenched, so I put him on the couch to try and change his diaper.
Then he kicked me square in the jaw.
And I came unraveled.
“Stop it,” I yelled.
I stomped my feet, threw the clean diaper on the floor, and had a tantrum along side my two-year-old.
Ugly spewed all over the place.
He cried louder as he reached for me. I wanted to push rewind and take it all back.
I picked him up and his arms wrapped around my neck. We collapsed onto the couch.
He held onto me and I held onto him. We both cried. My shirt was soaked with snot and tears. My face stained with mascara.
All 30 pounds of him sprawled out on top of me. I thought of all the nights he had slept on my chest when he had colic. It seemed like yesterday that he had fit so perfectly there.
I rubbed his back and our breathing synced. Our hearts found the same rhythm.
The calm after the storm.
His tears stopped, but mine continued to fall silently.
How could God love this temper throwing mama who comes unraveled?
Being his mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I kissed his head and whispered I’m sorry.
I apologized for being crazy.
The afternoon tantrum haunted me long after the day was over.
That night God met me on the pages of “Praying for Boys: Asking God for the Things They Need Most” by Brooke McGlothlin.
I was weary. I felt like a fraud and a failure.
These words renewed my spirit: “Weakness is a channel that allows Christians to access grace.” (Paul Miller)
I don’t know about you, but there are many days of parenting that leave me feeling weak.
I find that I’m in need of grace Every. Single. Day.
If it weren’t for grace, I would throw in the towel. I’d never recover from the temper tantrums (mine or Jackson’s).
Thankfully, His grace covers me.
It’s a promise: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
So the next time I feel like I’m about to come unraveled, I have to remember:
God’s strength overshadows my weakness.
God redeems the mistakes I make as a mother.
What part of motherhood causes you to come unraveled? How do you recover after you’ve fallen short?
Brittany says
You can’t imagine how much I needed to read this today. I am a new mom to a beautiful 3 month old boy, and some days I feel like I just can’t get it together. I love him so dearly, but I struggle. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m good enough to be his mom at all. Yet, I know The Lord does not make mistakes, and I’m exactly who he chose to mother this sweet boy. Thank you for sharing your experiences, which can make others feel a bit more normal.
Jennifer says
Brittany –
Hang in there! You are NOT alone. Those early months are SO hard, but they pass quickly. Cherish the moments and give yourself grace. God doesn’t expect perfection. I am so glad you were encouraged by today’s post.
Cuddle that sweet boy today!
Kristin Hill Taylor says
Pretty sure you stole these words out of my heart. 🙂 Yes, I’ve been there, almost just like that. Thank God for his grace as well as his faithfulness to continue the work he begun in us so we aren’t the same tomorrow. Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done too, but I’m not sure God would have gotten to those dark places of me without these little ones. You’ve a brave momma, Jennifer.
Kristin Hill Taylor says
*YOU’RE a brave momma … dang typo.
Jennifer says
Thanks for the encouragement Kristin! God knew I needed these comments today. I’ve struggled lately with whether my words matter. If I’m just typing the words to empty space. He reminded me today (through you and Brittany) that what I’ve been through can encourage others who are struggling! 🙂
Karen says
Hang in there, Mama. I’ve been a mom for 20+ years, but I still vividly remember the tantrum days. But let me assure you, that if you put in the hard work in those early years, pouring out love, confessing, forgiving, showing compassion, mercy and perseverance, setting–and KEEPING–boundaries, then you will be so blessed as your child passes through his growing years. And much like I think you are discovering as you process this and write this post, God has used these things to transform ME into the image of Christ. I must have been VERY far from that image at one time, because I’ve changed so much, but have SO MUCH more to learn. Oh, PS, I tend to unravel when it starts to feel like everyone’s stuff is clinging to me like velcro.
Jennifer says
Karen – thank you so much for the encouragement. It’s always nice to hear positive feedback from mama’s who have already walked the path I am currently on. Thanks for stopping by today!